Alright so I am going to be very transparent… so…
So I’m a Virgin. And I’m 27. And I am waiting till marriage to have sex.
But truth is…waiting is hard. Really hard.
Most days, sex doesn’t faze me. It’s sex. I never had it, so I’m not missing out right? Sex is not a big deal anyway right? Well Not according to current society and my hormones. Society says that I am missing out and laughs at the idea of a Virgin waiting till marriage. People in the church have given up the fight for sexual purity, and have opted out of waiting till marriage. For the D and for the P challenges, have idolized sex. So yeah sex is seemly a big deal and seemly I’m missing out. What’s harder is, I didn’t grow up in a household where sex was banned and where I was told to wait. My family never really gave me “the sex talk” and neither were for it sex nor against it. Music, and movies presented in my house all had sexual content. Songs like “Tee-shirt and my Panties on” or “Adina Howard’s “Ima be a freak” were commonly played without shame. I knew all the words to the song “Feeling on your booty” by R-Kelly, and my best friend and I knew pretty much all of the words to movies like “The Best Man”, “The Wood”, and “The Players Club”. Heck even our favorite boy group IMX had a song out called “First Time” which we played consistently. I literally had my first kiss was I was 8 years old in the backyard of my house.
High school was not easy. My mom was the cool mom. I had basement house parties where my mom made us virgin daiquiris, and allowed boys to come and join the “fun”. My mom and grandma brought me Pretty Ricky’s albums (unedited) and Ja Rule. I was allowed to go to my friends house when their parents were not home, have a boyfriend in my room (door closed without my parents being home) and hardly any questions were asked. I frequently skipped school (not for a boy but because I was lazy), so there was ample time and opportunity, yet through it all, Jesus kept me. However, being honest, I’ve been wanting to throw in the towel. I’ve been contemplating rather or not keeping my virginity is worth it. I love Jesus. I want to honor him by keeping my vow. I want a godly marriage, built on godly principles and godly love. I want to enter into that marriage as a virgin.
But I also want sex. These are my Confessions…
I am not talking about in the near future but now. In the present. The struggle for a pure mind has been a losing battle for me, which in return, makes it harder for a pure body. I sing with my mouth praise to the King of King but my mind instantly makes a handsome man the king of lust in my eyes whenever such a man walks past. Like a lot of Christian women singing I surrender all, all to Jesus my blessed savior, my mind really be saying “I surrender my clothes to be taken off” whenever I’m in the presence of a man where there is holistic chemistry between us. My mouth may say one thing, but my mind is saying another thing.
Trust me. I have prayed and ugly cried to God about it. I have laid my body and my struggles on altars, shouted, cut out sexual enticing music and movies. I have stopped conversations that have been too sexual, haven’t acted on anything sexual, etc. I’ve read Passion and Purity, Lady in Waiting, I Kissed Dating Goodbye and have purchased purity rings, making a vow to Jesus to be pure and keep my body for my husband.
But being honest, to quote one of my favorite Christian poets “I was Virgin in heat who was tired of the wait”. Sex is appealing. It’s tempting. Your body feels things. Men smell good. They look good. They flirt, they smile, and if he is a man of God who leads and is strong in his masculinity, then HUNNY LISTEN….
Being strong in front of other people can be easy (or easy to be fake), but being strong in front of God is hard. He knows your deep thoughts and as much as you or I may try to hide from God, he is right there waiting on us at the door.
But He doesn’t want to put us to shame nor make us feel guilty. He isn’t there to say “Bad! Thinking about sex and all that! Shame on you!” Instead, Jesus takes a gentle approach to remind us that we are created to worship Him first, to be obedient, to offer ourselves as a willing sacrifice unto Him, and that he knows the temptation we face, because he was tempted too. Though he was tempted, He sinned not. The Lord knows our weakness better than we do and he carried those weaknesses to the Cross. He felt the sting of sexual sin on the cross as he bled out. He felt the sting of disobedience when he cried in agony to the father for forsaken Him. He carried, he died, and he rose just so that I nor anyone else have to be stuck in the penalty of sin. In Jesus there is freedom.
Though the struggle is real, and the flesh can be crazy, I am grateful for my virginity. I am thankful for God’s protection, previsions, and blocking toxic relationships. I am thankful for rejections and divine interventions. I am thankful to be protected from soul ties, STDs, and unplanned pregnancy. Here me. I am not perfect. I have fallen. I have disappointed God. I have not had a pure mindset. I have struggled with pornography and masturbation. I have felt dirty and unworthy, yet in my brokenness, Christ has picked me up, wiped my tears, and has redeemed me. Christ is continually healing my heart, my mind, my soul, and my spirit. I hopeful for marriage and to enter into my marriage covenant purely. I am confident that God will continue to lead me on the path of purity, and that through Him, I will make it. So Being A Virgin Till Marriage… Yeah… About That… I’m grateful and though it’s a struggle, I celebrate it!