Being A Virgin Till Marriage… Yeah… About That…

Alright so I am going to be very transparent… so…

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So I’m a Virgin. And I’m 27. And I am waiting till marriage to have sex.

But truth is…waiting is hard. Really hard.

Most days, sex doesn’t faze me. It’s sex. I never had it, so I’m not missing out right? Sex is not a big deal anyway right? Well Not according to current society and my hormones. Society says that I am missing out and laughs at the idea of a Virgin waiting till marriage. People in the church have given up the fight for sexual purity, and have opted out of waiting till marriage. For the D and for the P challenges, have idolized sex. So yeah sex is seemly a big deal and seemly I’m missing out. What’s harder is, I didn’t grow up in a household where sex was banned and where I was told to wait. My family never really gave me “the sex talk” and neither were for it sex nor against it. Music, and movies presented in my house all had sexual content. Songs like “Tee-shirt and my Panties on” or “Adina Howard’s “Ima be a freak” were commonly played without shame. I knew all the words to the song “Feeling on your booty” by R-Kelly, and my best friend and I knew pretty much all of the words to movies like “The Best Man”, “The Wood”, and “The Players Club”. Heck even our favorite boy group IMX had a song out called “First Time” which we played consistently. I literally had my first kiss was I was 8 years old in the backyard of my house.

love-and-basketball

 

High school was not easy. My mom was the cool mom. I had basement house parties where my mom made us virgin daiquiris, and allowed boys to come and join the “fun”. My mom and grandma brought me Pretty Ricky’s albums (unedited) and Ja Rule. I was allowed to go to my friends house when their parents were not home, have a boyfriend in my room (door closed without my parents being home) and hardly any questions were asked. I frequently skipped school (not for a boy but because I was lazy), so there was ample time and opportunity, yet through it all, Jesus kept me. However, being honest, I’ve been wanting to throw in the towel. I’ve been contemplating rather or not keeping my virginity is worth it. I love Jesus. I want to honor him by keeping my vow. I want a godly marriage, built on godly principles and godly love. I want to enter into that marriage as a virgin.

But I also want sex. These are my Confessions…

Usher-Confessions

 

I am not talking about in the near future but now. In the present. The struggle for a pure mind has been a losing battle for me, which in return, makes it harder for a pure body. I sing with my mouth praise to the King of King but my mind instantly makes a handsome man the king of lust in my eyes whenever such a man walks past. Like a lot of Christian women singing I surrender all, all to Jesus my blessed savior, my mind really be saying “I surrender my clothes to be taken off” whenever I’m in the presence of a man where there is holistic chemistry between us. My mouth may say one thing, but my mind is saying another thing.

struggle

 

Trust me. I have prayed and ugly cried to God about it. I have laid my body and my struggles on altars, shouted, cut out sexual enticing music and movies. I have stopped conversations that have been too sexual, haven’t acted on anything sexual, etc. I’ve read Passion and Purity, Lady in Waiting, I Kissed Dating Goodbye and have purchased purity rings, making a vow to Jesus to be pure and keep my body for my husband.

help jesus

But being honest, to quote one of my favorite Christian poets “I was Virgin in heat who was tired of the wait”. Sex is appealing. It’s tempting. Your body feels things. Men smell good. They look good. They flirt, they smile, and if he is a man of God who leads and is strong in his masculinity, then HUNNY LISTEN….

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Being strong in front of other people can be easy (or easy to be fake), but being strong in front of God is hard. He knows your deep thoughts and as much as you or I may try to hide from God, he is right there waiting on us at the door.

waiting at the door

But He doesn’t want to put us to shame nor make us feel guilty. He isn’t there to say “Bad! Thinking about sex and all that! Shame on you!” Instead, Jesus takes a gentle approach to remind us that we are created to worship Him first, to be obedient, to offer ourselves as a willing sacrifice unto Him, and that he knows the temptation we face, because he was tempted too. Though he was tempted, He sinned not. The Lord knows our weakness better than we do and he carried those weaknesses to the Cross. He felt the sting of sexual sin on the cross as he bled out. He felt the sting of disobedience when he cried in agony to the father for forsaken Him. He carried, he died, and he rose just so that I nor anyone else have to be stuck in the penalty of sin. In Jesus there is freedom.

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Though the struggle is real, and the flesh can be crazy, I am grateful for my virginity. I am thankful for God’s protection, previsions, and blocking toxic relationships. I am thankful for rejections and divine interventions. I am thankful to be protected from soul ties, STDs, and unplanned pregnancy. Here me. I am not perfect. I have fallen. I have disappointed God. I have not had a pure mindset. I have struggled with pornography and masturbation. I have felt dirty and unworthy, yet in my brokenness, Christ has picked me up, wiped my tears, and has redeemed me. Christ is continually healing my heart, my mind, my soul, and my spirit. I hopeful for marriage and to enter into my marriage covenant purely. I am confident that God will continue to lead me on the path of purity, and that through Him, I will make it. So Being A Virgin Till Marriage… Yeah… About That… I’m grateful and though it’s a struggle, I celebrate it!

With Love,

Keyia

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Battling the Darkness in the Tunnel: My journey with Depression

 

 

depressionEvery since I was 13 years old, I’ve battled with depression. I didn’t fully know or understand that I was depressed until my late teens but, looking back I know that I’ve been fighting feelings of worthless, unwanted, ugly, dumb, and misunderstood for well over 13 years. How can someone bubbly, goofy, sweet, and kind feel like she is a dark tunnel with no light or direction? How can a God fearing, faith filled woman of God, go to bed some nights wishing to never wake up? Well here we are, and here is part of my journey of fighting to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Depression makes me feel lonely. I am extravert. I love interacting with friends and people. I love making others happy and pouring my love out to people. Depression, however, makes me feels as if I am a burden and unwanted. It makes me feel as if I am being too needy. I know I have friends who love me. I know people care, but when I don’t receive a call or text, when I feel ignored, depression comes in and falsely reminds me that people are tired of me, don’t like or want me, and that its best that I just leave them alone and stop bothering them.

Depression makes me feel worthless and tired. Getting out of bed can be hard. I will mentally fight myself to get out of bed. My body feels like lead and bricks rubbing together, and being 270+ pounds don’t help. I put on a fake smile and say the day is going to go great but depression whispers in my ear otherwise. Let me be clear: I’m not depressed everyday, but I am depressed more than two times out of the week. I feel as if I’m too worthless to dream for the day and that my purpose will never come to pass so why bother?

Depression makes me want to give up on my purpose. I want to be a youth pastor and a counselor in predominantly a African American community. With my failure at graduate school the first time, and a low undergraduate GPA, I feel as if I will never reach my dreams. I know I have the wisdom, intelligence, and heart but depression present the lie that I’m not worthy of having dreams.

Sometime death seems like the best choice but…

 

I am afraid of death. I started seeing a therapist and during one of my session, we had a touchy conversation about suicide. I informed her that I thought about suicide but could never bring myself to do it. I am afraid of death in all forms. Literal death, spiritual death, and death of my dreams and purpose. Literal death means I get no more chances to try. I get no more chances to dream, or figure out my purpose. Spiritual death means I no longer have a desire to grow in Christ, I no longer am receptive to God’s spirit, and it’s hard to be used by Christ when you’re dead. Dead dream and purposes means that the people depending on me to make it, are not being served.

I am afraid to give up. I am NOT a quitter. I may slow down, I may take a break but, I don’t quit. Quitting means, I stop trying, I give up on me, I give up on people attached to me, and I give up on being used the way God intended for me to be used.

I know that depression is a strategy from the Devil. Satan is a hater. He loves to attack you when your closer to your purpose. He loves to suck the life out of you. He is like a dementor from Harry Potter. A soul sucking, happiness draining, enemy who becomes ruthless towards attacking your purpose. I’m learning to put my war clothes on and fight the Devil. I know I don’t wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places (Ephesians 6:12). I know that I the closer I am to victory, the closer I am to defeating the Devil and His strategy.

Depression should not be fought alone and in silence. So many people lose the battle because they were a general without an army. My advice to anyone struggling with depression is to seek healing through prayer, therapy, TRUSTED family and friends, and a support group. Don’t allow the Enemy to use you as his mental playground. Find people who can get you out the house, who can call and check in with you, who can be a helpful listening ear. Be HONEST about your struggles with your friends, therapist, and loved ones. Talk to a therapist! Get under a church covering and talk to the pastor and/or ministers at your church about your struggle. If your church is not able to support you through your journey with depression, then find a new church that can and will. Most importantly be honest with God and seek him. Pray, journal, cry out in worship, but let the Devil know that when He comes to attack, you will be ready to use your weapons.

Currently, depression is my torn in my side. It is my Goliath, and my cross. I have to face giants of struggles, failures, and lies constantly. I have to bear my cross of feeling worthless, less than, unintelligent, and ugly. Yet like Paul, I will walk with my torn to my purpose, I will kill my giants with my courage in Jesus, and I will die to myself, so that God’s glory can be seen in my pain. I never wanted to battle with depression, but I’m fighting through, so that my purpose can be birthed, and God’s Kingdom mission for my life can prevail. Pray for me, as I pray for you.

With love and grace,

Keyia B

*If you or someone is thinking about committing suicide, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline*

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

 

What About Your Friends? Navigating Through Healthy Friendship

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“What about your friends, will they stand their ground,
Will they let you down again?
What about your friends, are they gonna be lowdown,
Will they ever be around,
Or will they turn their backs on you?
What about your friends, will they stand their ground,
Will they let you down again?” 

Ladies, it’s officially road trip season. Road trips are friendship goals set to include a group of your favorite girls, snacks, a dope playlist and some amazing stops planned along the way. I want to invite you on my road trip of navigating through friendships. This road trip will be stopping at some important places and going over some pretty important topics on friends, different types of friendships, and balancing all of it. Here are some of the stops we will be making:

  1. Everyone is NOT meant to be YOUR BEST FRIEND: This is the first stop on our friendship journey. We will learn how to differentiate between a good friend and a best friend, why having too many best friends can be unhealthy, and learning the expectations of a strong committed friendship.
  2. Certain Friendships Grow Old: Do friendships last forever? We like to hope that they do, but unfortunately that is not the case. Some friendships change, and people grow apart. We will go over letting go unnecessary friendships and how to recognize the signs of a solid friendship.
  3. Getting through loneliness as the unmarried, no kids, friend: Your friends are getting married with kids, while you are single and childless. This can be a hard journey to be on. You are equally excited and happy but maybe feel like the fifth wheel or a bit lonely. We are going to navigate through the journey together with tips on how to cope with loneliness, get through possible jealousy (Being real) and how to maintain a healthy friendship with married friends.
  4. The 10 Bridesmaids Syndrome: Getting married, or hoping to get married in the future? Then hop on in the car for this trip! Similar to the “everyone is not meant to be your best friend topic”, choosing who will be apart of your wedding party is an important choice, and will have you re-evaluating your friendships and support system. I will be giving some tips on who should be considered a bridesmaid and my revelation on why five – seven bridesmaids is more than enough to be apart of your big day.
  5. Finding Friends For Your Current Season: This journey connects with getting through loneliness as the unmarried and no kids friend. I will be sharing tips and ideas on how to find friends on the same or similar journey, and discovering new friendships and support groups.
  6. Jesus is the Ultimate BFF: This last stop in the journey is more personal, because it’s simply involves you and one other person. JESUS. Who can provide a better friendship than Jesus? No one, and if your relationship with Him have been on the struggle bus, I suggest you hop off that bus, and invite Him on a one on one road trip journey. He will listen, offer the best advice, won’t get bored, and will comfort you like no one else will. I will give some tips on what is currently helping me grow in my relationship with Jesus and what has been successful for others.

I’m excited to have you all on this journey, and I can’t wait to see how God will use it for His glory and purpose! There will be a video discussion on Facebook to follow each topic and will be posted twice a week for the month of June. There will also be a separate blog with a helpful professional idea that can help in the process of finding that dream job or at least getting your foot in the door.

Until Next Time,

Lakeyia B

 

Mother Who? Giving Mother Nature the Kanye Shrug.

mother earth

Who is “Mother Nature”?

To me, she is the woman who comes around every 28 days, and reminds me why chocolate was invented along with irritating cramps.

To some, she is the one who birthed the world and chooses to cause natural disasters whenever she fancies.

Algonquian legend believe that “beneath the clouds lives the Earth-Mother from whom is derived the Water of Life, who at her bosom feeds plants, animals and human”.

Truth is this: Mother Nature is mythical.

She is nether the creator of the universe nor does she derive the Water of Life.

The Bible clearly indicates who is the life giver. Check this out:

John 4: 14-15

but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.” 

Revelation 22:17 

The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.

My people, my people:

Don’t be decieved by the world’s dogma. Earth was not created by a woman. As much as I love my sistah’s and believe in the advancement of my fellow woman, I won’t sit back and let men be dragged through the mud by extreme feminist ideology. My thought on Mother Nature has me asking the question of who is the Father? Cleary there has to be masculinty somewhere. Even the woman at the well understood that Jesus is the true giver of life. We cannot start life without a man and woman coming together. This idea of a woman not needing a man to do “x, y, and z”, is foolery from the Devil.  Yes ladies, cherish and honor the blessing of being a woman but realize that we are still daughters of the true Creator, ABBA (Almighty Father). Yes we can learn how to fix a car, become doctors, lawyers, and yes we deserve equal paying wages (AMEN?), but don’t let the pride of being a woman create the illusion of us either becoming manly, or taking away God’s purpose of a woman.

Sorry Mother Nature, but you get a Kanye Shrug.

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It’s been real.

-Keyia

Kim Davis: The Law of the Land vs God’s Law

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If you have not heard, there is a woman who was thrown in prison for speaking out against gay rights and not issuing a marriage license to a same sex couple.

Kim Davis of Rowen County in Kentucky has been held in contentment this past week, for refusing to issue a marriage license to same sex couples. Davis argues that he refusal to approve same sex marriage license was her way of upholding God’s law. Davis, who is a Christian, stood her ground and was thrown in jail for what she believed in. But was her protest fair? Godly? and did her refusal to sign on a marriage license an act of imputable courage?

In June of 2015, the Supreme Court Justice of the United State ruled that people in same sex relationships have the same rights to marry as people in heterosexual relationships. What this plainly means is that Adam and Steve can be husband and husband in the eyes of our country. But what about God? Let’s see what he has to say about it.

Romans 1:26-27 (KJV)

For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet. 

Now there are about 4 or 5 more scriptures that speak out against homosexuality, however I always like to go for the new testament for folks who argue that the old testament is not valid or should not be taken literal. With this being said, my christian friends are probably nodding their heads in agreement (as they read) and are saying to themselves:

“Yasss Kee, you let em know hunty”

“We need more Kim Davis type people”

“She did the right thing, stand for God’s truth”

“Yassss Jesus Yasss”

Let me stop you real quick: I don’t fully agree with Kim Davis’s choices. Let me tell you why.

1st: I agree with God’s Word 100%. So let’s clear the air. In God’s eyes, marriage is between Hubby and Wifey. Like it or leave it. I ain’t scared of nobody but Jesus.

2nd: Though I agree with the Word, I don’t agree with Kim Davis and the way she handle the situation. My reasoning is because, Kim Davis could have let the same sex couple know that she stands with God’s law by speaking her heart, stepping aside, and letting some other clerk sign off. If she was the only person who could do it, then quit. That couple would have to wait until they replace her or go somewhere else.

Now some of my fellow saints may think I am crazy or wrong but hear me out. I want to share some scripture.

Mark 12: 14-17

“Teacher,” they said, “we know how honest you are. You are impartial and don’t play favorites. You teach the way of God truthfully. Now tell us—is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not? Should we pay them, or shouldn’t we?”

Jesus saw through their hypocrisy and said, “Why are you trying to trap me? Show me a Roman coin,c and I’ll tell you.”When they handed it to him, he asked, “Whose picture and title are stamped on it?”

“Caesar’s,” they replied.

“Well, then,” Jesus said, “give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and give to God what belongs to God.”His reply completely amazed them.

Now I know this is talking about taxes but hear a sistah out. Jesus told them to give what belongs to Caesar and God. I could be wrong, and you all can be sure to correct me, but this is where we separate church and state. Clearly taxes have to be paid rather I agree with the amount or with the government. Uncle Sams is not trying to hear me say it goes against my religion or I had to pay tithes and didn’t have enough to pay you. We either do it or face the penalty. This goes for other laws too. We who really follow Jesus, know what is at stake. Kim Davis knew in June what would happen to her today. I commend her for wanting to uphold God’s true Word but I don’t agree with her actions for it.

My future profession as a Marriage Family Therapist will allow me to have my own PRIVATE Practice. This mean that if I please to do so, I can turn away same sex couples. I can set my own price, hours, rules, etc. I have that freedom because it is my practice and dime at stake. Kim Davis works under the government and has the choice of either quitting, following the rules, or letting someone else sign on the dotted line. Either way, she made her choice and she is under the consequences. Simple as that. Lastly, I ask “What would you do?”

It’s been real.

Keyia

Tug of War

I remember when I was in grade school, I used to love playing “Tug of War”. I anticipated the day in gym class, when my teacher would announce that we were going to be on teams and test our strength. My group won tug of war almost every year. I would always end up towards the back of the line, and used all of my strength to pull the rope. I never once questioned my strength, I just pulled. A smile would light up my face as I saw the other team hit the ground, defeated.

Strength: the ability to resist being moved or broken by a force

“I never once questioned my ability to resist being moved or broken by a force”

Defeat: to cause (someone or something) to fail

“I saw the other team hit the ground, causing them to fail

Currently I need strength to finish my Bachelor’s degree. I will be finished with my Liberal Studies degree in September. I have been in college for 7 years. I have had to overcome DEFEAT and have had to rely on the STRENGTH on the Lord to get me to this point that I am at right now. I can be honest to say I feel weary. I struggle heavily in math and I constantly worry that I won’t make it over the finish line. College is not just important for me, but for my family as well. Neither of my parents have their college degrees. My victory is not only for me but for my family. It’s a lot of pressure.

God’s Word says:  Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 

I say with my mouth that I trust God with my life, but my actions shows differently. impatience grips me like a tight hug, making it hard for me to let God’s plans for my life blossom. Leaning to God’s understanding, means letting go what I think is right or “good” for my life at the moment. I rely on my own strength instead of relying on the strength of the ONE who died for me. Jesus. Without Jesus, I fail. I become defeated. My distrust becomes the thing that holds me back. My distrust creates a barrier between me and my Beloved.

Reality Check: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7 

Through life’s”Tug of War”, God provides the tools of power, strength and discipline to overcome each obstacle thrown our way. He only requires us to trust in him, take up our cross, and to follow him. Trusting in God does not mean that we have to be fake with our feelings and our fears. God knows our thoughts and our every move. He who created the stars and the moon, knows when the going gets tough. He has put us on an amazing team to win each “tug of war” battle, against the Devil. Through our prayers, faith, and obedience. We become warriors on the playground of life each and every time.

God has given you the ability to resist the force of being broken and defeated. Never once question your strength. You help comes from the Lord.

Reality Check: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31 

So when you are feeling DEFEATED ( to fail), look back on the strength that God has provided you and trust that he can and will deliver you from all of life’s “Tug of Wars”.

Why I’m scared of marriage and how God is preparing my heart for my husband

So I am scared of getting married.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment of unconditional love. Lifelong does not stop when the finances get bad, when you are no longer “feeling” the person, when you both are busy, etc. The vows say for better or worse, through sick and health, rich or poor, life or death. Marriage is not giving up yourself, but it’s gaining yourself in the person God has created for you.

I want it my way:

One of the reasons I have my reservations about courting and marriage is because I am afraid that who God has for me won’t fit my perfect fairy tale. My ideal guy consist of someone handsome, Afrocentric, outspoken, creative, loves Christian rap, highly educated, love sports, has a manly voice, poetic, and strong. I don’t need to say that he “loves Jesus” because he will be attracted to the spirit of God living on the inside of me.

Now what if:

What if God has a different guy? What of my husband is passive, hates Christian rap, don’t have a poetic bone in his body, never even seen a basketball game ( I HIGHLY DOUBT THIS ONE), and (being honest) isn’t my idea of handsome? Do I cross him out of the picture?

The answer is no:
God knows who I need before I do. God knows I need a man who can lead our family to his son Jesus. He knows I need somebody to who will support me, provide for our family, pray with me, be my cheerleader, and love me unconditionally. Everything else is irrelevant.

What if I am not enough?

Let’s be 100% honest here. Every woman has her doubts about not being “everything” her future husband wants in a wife. We either feel insecure about our looks, or we are always comparing ourselves to other women. God’s true match for us will already find God’s beauty in us. Our personality is what truly make us sexy! Our compassion for God’s people, our loving and humble spirit, etc will be what makes our guy say “Girl you got it going on” (INSERT A GIGGLE OR TWO)

Reality Check ( aka Bible Verse):

“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” (1 Peter 3:3, 4 NLT)

I still have issues:
Create in me a clean heart and renew my mind. I’m not a neat freak, in fact I’m kinda messy! Depending on what it is, I can be stubborn and selfish! I have trust issues, and can have anger issues as well. Im impatient and can sometimes hold a grudge. I’m working on these things but I can’t be somebody’s wife being all these mishaps, not without God’s help and guidance. It’s his strength that both I and my future spouse will need to rely on to understand, help, and accept our flaws and struggles. Where I am weak, Jesus is strong. Endurance is key.

Awkward:
I’ve never been on many dates nor been in too many real relationships to know what to expect. Do we hold hands? What to talk about? When things get serious do we kiss? How do I be vulnerable? I know these things sound weird and maybe crazy, but I’m not the only woman who think these things. After all courting leads to engagement and marriage so we must start somewhere!

God is in control:
I say all of the above to say this. I’m not perfect. None of us are and none of our spouses will be perfect. When God created us he made us fearfully and wonderfully! He knew who would be able to cherish us, love us even when we are crazy acting, and carry us. We don’t have to do anything but follow Christ so he can dance us into the arms of our prince. God is preparing my heart for love and when that time comes, all of the awkward, quirky, goofy things I do will not matter to my spouse because he was made to handle them! Ladies live for God and learn to lean on Him for a spouse. We are more than enough!

Thanks for reading!